We All Need to be Heard
There is this old cartoon where the man is talking to his dog, and all the dog hears is “blah blah blah, blah blah.” This can be funny in an interaction with our pets, but how often do you get the sense that your words are coming across as “blah blah blah” while you are talking to another human being? To a friend?
How often have you shared something exciting, or sad, and had the other person pick up a word or two of what you shared as the jumping board to link to their story, to what was on their mind, and to what they were basically holding their breath to spill out?
Sadly, more often than not, this is what seems to happen one-on-one as well as in groups of friends. If you sit back and observe, you might find that no one actually listens to anyone else. Everyone takes the opportunity to share what they want, regardless of whether it was related to what the previous person just said.
These types of interactions leave us frustrated, disconnected, and lonely.
Our hearing is automatic, but listening is deliberate and purposeful.
When we are listened to, we feel validated, seen and understood. This deep listening is part of good communication—when there isn’t just a mere exchange of words, but an exchange of our deeper selves, where we have been received by another with love and care.
Admittedly, there are factors that can play into any exchange, such as the person you are talking to, how you feel about them, the dynamic between you, and probably the timing. If you are in the middle of work and your spouse comes up for a deep conversation, you may have trouble focusing at a deeper level. However, at a planned dinner date, this should not be a problem.
Similarly, in an exchange where there is a power differential, listening maybe affected. It may limit how you can respond and what you can say if the needed safety is in question.
If you feel criticized or judged, the emotional factors may affect your listening. If your mother only ever criticizes you, you may have an unconscious habit of tuning her out. And on a good day, when everything is going your way, you may have a greater capacity to listen as opposed to on a day that is overwhelming.
This doesn’t mean we throw in the towel. Our ability to communicate greatly impacts all our relationships, and our relationships have an immense impact on our overall well-being.
We can set an intention to become better listeners and to become more aware of our part in any exchange or communication. Below are three simple levels to get you started on building listening skills.
About me (level 1): When you are just focused on yourself. You are basically formulating your response as the other person is speaking—waiting for them to be done so you can spill out your response. Your awareness in this interaction is limited to how you feel, with no idea of how your words are landing with the other person. You want to be heard, get your point across, prove yourself right.
About the other (level 2): This is when your attention is completely on the other person. You not only listen to their words, but notice their body language, their voice, the pace at which they are speaking, their emotions, and what they are leaving out. You are not distracted by your own thoughts. This isn’t about your being right. This is about learning about the others’ experience.
About us (level 3): At this level, you have a more complete awareness of the both of you, your environment, the room temperature, and you feel really tuned into this exchange. You may have a deeper intuitive sense of what the other person is trying to communicate. For example, even when there is silence, something is being said.
How can you become more aware of your level of listening skills? Well, with building awareness. Developing awareness is a central factor in becoming an attentive listener and speaker. One of the best ways to build this awareness is through the practice of meditation. It can help us develop our ability to catch ourselves tuning out, or impatiently waiting for our turn to speak. With patience and practice we can know how our body feels in these moments, so we can take a breath, and bring our attention to what is being said in the present moment, and listen. It doesn’t happen in a day, but it happens.
If we are lucky, we have at least one person in our lives in whose presence our body relaxes, the heart opens, and we feel thoroughly heard. This allows us to be seen, for who we are and feel deeply valued and validated.
Think of the gifts we can offer, just with intentional listening, to anyone, and especially to our children. What if every child felt completely heard by their parents and grew up feeling deeply valued through this simple act?